Hey you! Yes, you! Are you a chronic drunk? Do you find yourself constantly at the mercy of the bottle? Well, then I think it might be best if you consider alcohol rehab!
Rehab is a magical place filled with wonderful people that act like they genuinely care about your specific situation! Theyre more than willing to sit around for hours listening to you drone on and on about how unbearably mediocre your life is. You see, thats what theyre here for: listening to high-strung super-stars and excessively whining everyday folks complain. Do they really care? Most of them probably dont, but thats what your imagination is for!
Now lets discuss the qualifications to get into a classy joint like this. First off, you need to be an alcoholic. How do you know if youre an alcoholic? Well, you might be an alcoholic if you have a reserved parking space in front of the liquor store, or if for whatever reason theres salt on the rim of your basketball hoop. Those are just a few of the most obvious signs. For a complete list of symptoms, please consult Google.
So lets assume you passed the test. CONGRATULATIONS, not only are you an alcoholic but youve just taken the first step: admitting you have a problem. This only applies if you consider your addiction to be a problem. If youre Irish and proud then Im sorry to say that reading any further would be a complete waste of your time.
The next step is figuring out if you are financially able to afford a stay in a rehabilitation center. If not, never fear! The government is willing to pay your way in, for special cases. All you have to do is pull some outrageous drunken stunt and get caught. Now keep in mind that taking this route can be risky, (unless of course youre a celebrity), seeing as if they dont send you to rehab theyre other choice is jail. Believe me, thats no slumber party!
Personally, Id just skip the whole ordeal and sign myself up for Alcoholics Anonymous if I were in your shoes. Not only is it free, but the success rates are higher and if you couldnt tell from the name, its anonymous. Its your life though, so if rehab sounds like a more eventful way to go then be my guest! It just seems too complicated.
Either way you should take pride in the fact that youre taking a step to improve your quality of life. After all, who wants to die choking on their own vomit after a hard night of partying? I know I dont and I doubt you do either. Who wants to think about that?!
So heres to you! May your stay in your local alcohol rehab be a decision you will cherish forever!
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